Year-end Rants

          2015 has been a roller coaster ride for me, but less ups and more downs. And those downhill ride where pretty rough. One incident that I couldn't forget, was when I almost lost the thing that I only have at that moment in  which I can be more proud of. It made me question why it happened to me while everyone has been doing it routinely. But because of that as well, it made me realized that the powerful Someone above, intangible, really loves and cares for me deeply that He lifted me up above that pit of misery. I stumbled and fell, but He rose me up, tilted my chin up, dusted off the dirt and pushed me to walked again. And so I did. I thought I could be a good person or yet a better one, but I was wrong. Instead, I became so proud, ignored the things that really matters. I held on tight to this thing, fearing that it will slip again in my grip, and dropped off the important stuffs. I was blinded by this feeling. And the emptiness that I had for so long, got bigger, I felt more and more wasted into that black hole. I strive to climbed out of it. Doing it all on my own. But I was wrong....,very wrong. And now, regrets and I meet again. Fondling bitterly on each other. 

I wish I could go back to the past and scolded my younger me. Telling her to think more of her self. Because if she did, I wouldn't be in this bad position. Others might think that I am lucky enough compared to those less handed,but how can you tell yourself lucky it you don't like the place where you are in? I guess, that's my definition of contentment., Feeling of being secured in all matters regardless of whatever paradigm the society imposed. My early 20's stands affect my current me. I couldn't change it but I could do something about it. The cycle will just continue, Whatever my decisions right now, could affect my older me. I hope I could do a better job this time.

Obligatory New Year's Resolution

          Pressure. This word perfectly describes my life last year, This was the major culprit of my stress. Pressure at work. It's a given fact. But the reality that I can't manage my time well puts more stress on it. Add to it the feeling off being useless, stupid, envious and slow.

Pressure on love. Yeah right. Intimacy versus isolation. I guess until now I never surpass this stage of my life. The bad thing about it is that, I correlated career and love, which is two different thing. And again, all of this boils down to bad decision making. When I was young, I used to say that its ok to make a bad decision as long as I make a stand, But I guess I am not that firm enough to accept those nose-cringing ones that I did. And this leads me to this, spiritual emptiness.Even though I am fully aware that If I'll focus more to filling up this emptiness, everything will fall down to its rightful place, but yet I couldn't do so, for I can't let go of this earthly sins. No matter how much I convince myself that I will but deep inside me, I cant because it gives me a little piece of heaven in this hell. sigh. 

          I don't know what holds for me in 2016. But I just hope so that I could overcome whatever struggles that I may faced. I wanted to say that I wish I couldn't care less in my job to avoid stress but I can't because it will make me a disgusting person and I wouldn't want that.After all, I'm dealing with my fellow humans. 

I'm pretty much ok being with my self, I just prayed that if there's someone who will step into my life, would love me for being me and I could love that person unconditionally. I am at this point in which, I could still be fine even if that special person will not come. I am completely ok with it. I just hope that this time, I will not hurt anyone again because I am not that horrible person.

         Carpe diem Diane ! :)