Year-end Rants

          2015 has been a roller coaster ride for me, but less ups and more downs. And those downhill ride where pretty rough. One incident that I couldn't forget, was when I almost lost the thing that I only have at that moment in  which I can be more proud of. It made me question why it happened to me while everyone has been doing it routinely. But because of that as well, it made me realized that the powerful Someone above, intangible, really loves and cares for me deeply that He lifted me up above that pit of misery. I stumbled and fell, but He rose me up, tilted my chin up, dusted off the dirt and pushed me to walked again. And so I did. I thought I could be a good person or yet a better one, but I was wrong. Instead, I became so proud, ignored the things that really matters. I held on tight to this thing, fearing that it will slip again in my grip, and dropped off the important stuffs. I was blinded by this feeling. And the emptiness that I had for so long, got bigger, I felt more and more wasted into that black hole. I strive to climbed out of it. Doing it all on my own. But I was wrong....,very wrong. And now, regrets and I meet again. Fondling bitterly on each other. 

I wish I could go back to the past and scolded my younger me. Telling her to think more of her self. Because if she did, I wouldn't be in this bad position. Others might think that I am lucky enough compared to those less handed,but how can you tell yourself lucky it you don't like the place where you are in? I guess, that's my definition of contentment., Feeling of being secured in all matters regardless of whatever paradigm the society imposed. My early 20's stands affect my current me. I couldn't change it but I could do something about it. The cycle will just continue, Whatever my decisions right now, could affect my older me. I hope I could do a better job this time.

Obligatory New Year's Resolution

          Pressure. This word perfectly describes my life last year, This was the major culprit of my stress. Pressure at work. It's a given fact. But the reality that I can't manage my time well puts more stress on it. Add to it the feeling off being useless, stupid, envious and slow.

Pressure on love. Yeah right. Intimacy versus isolation. I guess until now I never surpass this stage of my life. The bad thing about it is that, I correlated career and love, which is two different thing. And again, all of this boils down to bad decision making. When I was young, I used to say that its ok to make a bad decision as long as I make a stand, But I guess I am not that firm enough to accept those nose-cringing ones that I did. And this leads me to this, spiritual emptiness.Even though I am fully aware that If I'll focus more to filling up this emptiness, everything will fall down to its rightful place, but yet I couldn't do so, for I can't let go of this earthly sins. No matter how much I convince myself that I will but deep inside me, I cant because it gives me a little piece of heaven in this hell. sigh. 

          I don't know what holds for me in 2016. But I just hope so that I could overcome whatever struggles that I may faced. I wanted to say that I wish I couldn't care less in my job to avoid stress but I can't because it will make me a disgusting person and I wouldn't want that.After all, I'm dealing with my fellow humans. 

I'm pretty much ok being with my self, I just prayed that if there's someone who will step into my life, would love me for being me and I could love that person unconditionally. I am at this point in which, I could still be fine even if that special person will not come. I am completely ok with it. I just hope that this time, I will not hurt anyone again because I am not that horrible person.

         Carpe diem Diane ! :)

          

Up

             An old couple in the airport made me realized how lonely I am. While they were attending the needs of each other in a sweetest way possible, here I am, sitting alone in this cold bench. While they were staring and being amazed together on how beautiful the architectural design of the airport, I am here, staring blankly at the ceiling, holding back whatever emotions I have held within. He wiped graciously the tears formed in her eyes as she yawned while I forcefully hold back the tears of sadness. They fought the coldness of the place by their warm embrace while I self-satisfactorily clung to my sweater.
 These two made me realized how lonely I am.

It's been a While....

          It's been a while since I posted something. No....it was not just a while but a very long time. A couple of years seems like forever. In those pair of years, many things had happened in my life. There we're ups and downs. But thank God, whenever I fell down, I got backed up to the saddle. As I read the contents of my blog,  I could hardly believed I've made and wrote those things. Before, I used to think of those as crappy rantings that I wanted to let out of my mind, so as not to overcrowd the little brain of mine. But now, I have never been so proud of myself to create such craft. I know it may not sound especial because anyone can do better than me but I just can't help my self feeling awesome. lol

           I don't consider myself as I writer but when I think about childhood, all I can remember is a little girl sitting underneath a tree with a note pad and a pen, writing random stuffs. And sometimes drew caricature of some things that amuses her. No...I wasn't a writer nor  a poet... I was just a little girl sharing her world on a paper. 

          

          To summarize my  2-year roller coaster hell-of-a-life, here it goes...

I quit my job in that small infirmary that I had worked on for a year and stepped out to the real world. It was a tough decision to make. I had to leave some of my good old friends, old fun habits,wild and dark self, so basically my comfort zone. I ventured out into the wild urban jungle, trying to catch up to the fast pace of life. My life turned topsy-turvy the moment I decided to leave my dear monotonous hometown. I didn't give a damn whether I did a right decision., as long as I made a stand. All I know at that time, I need a breath of fresh air, out to what I routinely used to be in.

Nobody said it was easy. Out in a crowd of possibilities is hardcore. Got no one to rely on but myself. But life teaches you to use some resources to survive, that's I guess the basic rule in Survival 101. To shortened it, tides went favorably in my side and I sailed through the vast ocean of expectations and uncertainty. It wasn't a smooth sailing ride. I've been bashed by the waves of disappointment, depression, frustrations and fear. But through it all, battling against those waves, my ship remained sturdy. I guess I have the privilege to borrow this infamous quote, "I am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul." lol

          As I landed to the barren land of hopes and dreams, some of expectations where unmet. Failures banging my behind. Moronic thoughts plaguing my mind, shaking my philosophies to the ground. I hated what I become. Oh god...if this might be the earth's little version of purgatory, I would drill my self to hell. Exaggerating as it my seem.., my apologies. hek!

          I am here now, murdering my grammar, thanking the auto-correct for my spelling and feeling like a crap, just an upgraded version of an old me. I know, I'm one step closer than yesterday, but to where? I'm about to throw my paddles to the shore. 

          I don't know how to end this none sense but surely do this again. I guess a warm shower on an autumn night would clear the smog that hovers over my head. ;)

TWIN FLAME

TWIN FLAME

How would you know that the person you are with is your true twin flame? Here are some clues that would help you through.

1. Comes in unusual package. They are not usually your type but they attracts you the moment you see them. It's like a metal being attracted to the magnet. You just can't help it.

2. They meet randomly. Possibly the only place in the world they could intercept.

3. Everything is completely brand new but absolutely familiar.

4. While your world may seem utterly disconnected, the past  that you individually taken bring you together in freakish randomness.

5. This person makes you see the world in different filter. No matter how hard you try, this person lives in every corner of your mind.

6. You are desperately want to be with them. You'll move heaven and earth just to do so.

7. This connection has fundamentally changed you, significantly altered you to the core.

Some say epic love may not happen to you but if true love comes, everything will be epic.

...because the heart knows what the heart knows...

Why couldn't Snow White be with Cinderella?

The most beautiful things in life are the unexplainable things. Words are just words, created to express what the mind is thinking and to utter what is needed to say. Every human being needs words to be heard and be understood. But words are not enough to capture the entity of the feelings, on love, on how it could break rules, shake boundaries, and how it had to believed to be shameful because it could choose another path.., the path that people take because of the fear to be judged wrongly and be cast out because you are not going to" fit in" in a crowd. A girl who is smitten with a girl, and both love each other. What's wrong with the picture? Age doesn't matter so why not "gender doesn't matter"?
We already got the idea that it's not the typical boy-girl relationship. Is there anything wrong to go beyond what is usual? A lot of great minds have discovered, proven or made something huge because of  having the guts to go beyond.
We know that such union can't procreate. Why bother  when the country is already overpopulated? We might as well think that we've already heard all kinds of criticism and curse for being like this.., for being who we are. I couldn't help wonder why for all we did is to love and wanting be love back in return. Is it because we chose to be against man's definition of what is right and wrong? Do you think we've wanted to be like this? Do you think it's not difficult to see our traditional parents being disappointed of what we become? If only wee could choose whom to love, if only we could be like anyone else living the easy life, then I would trade places. But that could be the biggest betrayal I could do to myself. It would be like denying my existence and be happy for once. It would like be living in a closet and just hearing your own breath because the world is utterly quite.
To be tag as "homo"is not a picnic under a mango tree. It was like reaching for the mango fruit in a high tree using nothing and not knowing how to climb.
What other people say, I don't really give a damn because love is never based on sexuality. It was never based on anything except to God. The sad truth is that there will always be that stigma that discriminates. I believe that we fear what we don't understand. Deletion of ignorance is an important aspect of acceptance.
This is for everybody because all the people long to be understood and accepted no matter how unpopular, different and mediocre they may be.
In this day and age, the world is chaotic and lead to misunderstandings because nobody seems to take time in opening their minds. Maybe because of the fast pace of our living today, that they don't spare a little time to ponder on things that needs their concern but instead they just criticize, criticize, and criticize.
So, let's not hate Snow White for not waiting for her prince charming anymore, not because she left her glass slippers and Cinderella  found it but because we found love to the most mysterious and peculiar definition of it.
Many eyebrows were raised as they read this but I trust you that you'll have a pretty good head over your shoulders, so use it well.


-"Babybee"
   KIST '07

Is It Not?

Men always says they're in love..,but does words enough to keep the relationship last?
It is not.
Most of the time, actions speak louder than words. A cliche it may be but definitely true.
A simple gesture done by man would melt a woman's heart.
Remember, being romantic is one of the keys to keep the passion burning.
Exerting some effort wouldn't be so hard if you do it for what we so called "love".
When you stay next to your woman, she stays connected to you, but if your apart, she tends to find new one that could make her feel great,secure, respected and happy.
So, if you want your woman to hold on to you..,tickle her heart even in the simplest, romantic, and sincere way that you can.
A Malaysian woman once said, " A woman will take the best care of you, only if you give her everything that you have."


-casta

Fly Away- Sugarland