Wind Beneath My Broken Wings

If there's one person in the world who never stop believing in me and in my almost impossible dreams, that would be my "tante". I just don't know but every time she throws up encouraging words. it fuels up my determination to achieve my goals in life. I know that most of the time, I get disappointed with the world and with my self, but with her supporting words in a form of a joke, it enlightens the darkness within me.

Before, I was so stupid thinking of hiving up my dreams, for I thought that I had already everything that I basically need, a stable life and a loving family. I thought that with or without me, my family can stand alone. I have nothing more to dream of. All I wanted was just a simple and happy life, that when I see myself inside my coffin,I am smiling. But how can I smile when I see people around me suffering just because of unjust neediness, where in fact, deep in my heart, I know I have the potential to help them? It tears mt heart to know that this potentiality of mine is being disputed by my own weaknesses. And I am aware of it, yet I do nothing. Damn! Fucking me!

If only I could detach myself. Make another new me,start all over again. I would really do it. But I can't. It's just can't.

I wish I've recorded all the things she said,so that whenever I get down, I could use it to cheer me up again. But I guess, I've already did. I've recorded it not in any high tech.recorder but in a thing where I can play it anytime over and over again without getting it damaged. The place called, heart.As long as her memory. encouragement and smiles remains in that secret special place of mine, I know that my(our) dreams is just an inch away. Thanks! ;-)

Am I halfway there?

Bored-to death

I am so bored with my life right now. I don't even know where and how to start. I'm like a bomb waiting for its explosion. I guess a big bang is what I need to break this life into pieces and start all over again. I am bored to death. Even death can't end this tedium.I have no idea why I ended up like this. I have so many expectations in my life, yet none of them happens. I think it's what other people say...,fate.

Before, I believe that we are the ones who make our own destiny, but then I realized that whatever happen to us today is just a mere product of unfortunate events. as what the saying goes."Live life like you mean it". Damn! As if it's simple.

I wanted to cry. To shout on top of my lungs. To rage on anger...,yet I can't. I hate myself for loving myself and I love myself for hating myself too much.

I hate this state. I just lost the feeling that I felt 3 seconds ago. I fucking hate this! Why can't the world stop for just half a second for me? Why can't I force myself to stop breathing? Everything is worthless. So dull,so dark...,I'm lost in ténèbres.

I tried to seek You. Swear, I did. But why can't I see even the shade of your light? Am I really that unworthy?

Why can't I tighten up the tie between us? Is there really a tie? I tried to have one. And now,again...I'm point less.

I wanted to cry all these things out,yet it wasn't enough. I can't cry hard enough no more.

Please..can somebody help me? I'm slowly losing myself. I am begging to death. Please..lift my heart from the ground,save my soul from dirt.