Bored-to death

I am so bored with my life right now. I don't even know where and how to start. I'm like a bomb waiting for its explosion. I guess a big bang is what I need to break this life into pieces and start all over again. I am bored to death. Even death can't end this tedium.I have no idea why I ended up like this. I have so many expectations in my life, yet none of them happens. I think it's what other people say...,fate.

Before, I believe that we are the ones who make our own destiny, but then I realized that whatever happen to us today is just a mere product of unfortunate events. as what the saying goes."Live life like you mean it". Damn! As if it's simple.

I wanted to cry. To shout on top of my lungs. To rage on anger...,yet I can't. I hate myself for loving myself and I love myself for hating myself too much.

I hate this state. I just lost the feeling that I felt 3 seconds ago. I fucking hate this! Why can't the world stop for just half a second for me? Why can't I force myself to stop breathing? Everything is worthless. So dull,so dark...,I'm lost in ténèbres.

I tried to seek You. Swear, I did. But why can't I see even the shade of your light? Am I really that unworthy?

Why can't I tighten up the tie between us? Is there really a tie? I tried to have one. And now,again...I'm point less.

I wanted to cry all these things out,yet it wasn't enough. I can't cry hard enough no more.

Please..can somebody help me? I'm slowly losing myself. I am begging to death. Please..lift my heart from the ground,save my soul from dirt.