A Lonely Place

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me, 'coz I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't know what's down on this road, I'm just walking. Trying to see the rain coming down. Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I'm alone on my own and I wish I know how to be strong. I'd be wrong but life goes on. Because I'm a just a girl trying to find a place in this world. Got the radio on with my blue jeans and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeves. Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine, what more could I need? And tomorrow is just another mystery but that's ok. Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission but I'm ready to fly. I'm just alone in this world with someones ears to hear but no ones listening, with someones hand but not holding, with broken promises of holding on. I then realize that if I'm with someone, I feel alone but when I'm alone, I'm with myself. I'm just alone on my own.

Wasted

    Ramdam ko ang mainit at malakas na hagod ng alak habang dumadaloy ito sa aking lalamunan. Ramdam ko ang unti unting pag-ikot ng kapaligiran. Sa saliw ng nakakabingi ngunit masarap sa tenga na musika, umiindak ang aking buong kalamnan. Ngarag pati ang aking kaluluwa. Sa mga ilaw na nagkikislapan, wari ko'y ako'y nasa isang digmaan. Isang pakikibaka kung saan nag-aagaw sa aking isipan kung ang ginagawa ko ba'y alinsunod pa ba sa pangaral ng aking mga magulang. Ngunit lahat ng inhibitasyon ko'y nawala. Sampak sa langit ang aking pagwawala. Pakiramdam ko hawak ko ang mundo, umiikot sa palad ko. 

     Lagok lang ng lagok. Sayaw dito, sayaw doon. Iba't-ibang mukha ang sa akin ay humaharap. Wala akong pakialam, kampon ka man ng kadiliman. Sa aking paggiling, isang anyo ang sa akin ay tumawag pansin. Sa akin ito'y unti-unting lumalapit, hanggang ang katawan namin ay nagdikit. Ako'y di makapaniwala na sa gitna ng nagwawalang madla, ako pa ang kanyang napuna. Sa bawat indayog ng kanyang beywang, kaluluwa ko'y gusto ng mag-alsa balutan. "'tang ina! Ang sarap mong balahurain!", ang sigaw ng aking isipan. Sa konting liwanag na bigay ng mapaglinlang ilaw, pilit kong inaaninag nag kanyang mukha. Sa angkin niyang kagandahan, mata ko'y muntikan ng lumuwa. Kahit sabihin na ako ay lasing, ngunit ang mga mata ko'y hindi nagsisinungaling.

     Tuluyan ng nilason ng hinayupak na alak ang munti kong utak. Wala na akong ibang pakialam kundi ang munting nilalang na nasa aking harapan. Habang binabasag ng musika ang aming tenga, ang prensensya niya sa akin ay parang droga. Aming binabaybay ang daan patungo sa kalangitan. Ang bawat patak ng kanang pawis sa aking katawan, ay parang gasolina sa nagliliyab kong nararamdaman. Hindi ko na mawari kung ano sa akin ang nagpapainit, ang alak, ang usok, ang sikip o ang pagpaparaya niya sa aking kamay na malayang naglalakbay sa mapangahas niyang katawan. Kung ano man diyan, eh, wala na akong pakialam. Ilang tugtugin pa ang nagdaan, laman niya pa rin ay aking ramdam. Lahat ng pag-alinlangan ay akin ng binitiwan at sa kanya ay sumama patungo  sa kaparurukan.

     Sa aking paggising kinabukasan, sakit sa ulo at hilab sa tiyan ang aking nakamtan. Oh alak na nakakabuwang, ano itong sa aki'y iyong pinaramdam? Hindi ko alam. Ngunit isa lang sa akin ang hindi maalis- alis, ang ngiti sa aking labi na walang kapares. Shit!

TLW

Has it ever happen to you that you really got hooked to a t.v show? That you have to stay up all night and never sleep for almost 24 hrs.just to finish a season? That you wished that you could be a part of it? And told yourself," That's the world I wanted to live."? I guess it happened to me. I was really attached to a show that I could hardly decipher fiction from reality. If I were to choose between the two worlds, I would probably drop the latter. I was smitten by the characters...all of them. That even in my everyday living, I always dream and think about them. I know it's stupid but doing so makes me happy and satisfied somehow. Weird isn't it?

I am really so into the show and the cast. Maybe because,somehow I can relate to the story, not in some obvious way but it just makes me feel home. It teaches me how to be who I am. That I should accept myself first before expecting others to accept me. It's kinda hard and deals with a lot of fuck ups but the show taught me that even if everything is pretty messed up, having yourself and with the help of some few souls who truly cares about you, things will fall into their right places.

The shows portrays a different kind of life. A life beyond my boarders. A lifestyle that I wanted to have long before. It's hard for me to dwell the way they live due to many aspects that I couldn't help but to abide. It feels like I'm living my life in a tiny box. But because of this amazing show, it gives a hole into that box that lets me see a different kind of world. A world that I wanted to be part of. But I guess I am destined to be where I am now, for God knows that in here I can be the best that I can be. It may not look like it is but everything has a purpose.

The shows ending was not the one I expected it to be. I was frustrated at first but as I look beyond my eyes, I fully understand what the writer wanted to implicate on the finale. It may not be the best ending but it justifies the whole series of the show. A good way to end such magnificent creation.

As it comes to an end, it doesn't stop there, because the lessons and the values being showed will linger in the heart and minds of the viewers. It serves as a mind opener to what is really going on in our so called society. Though it was quite complex but fun thing is never out of the line.

Hoping that someday, I might as well have another opportunity to watch such craft that no perfect adjective can describe. It takes a lot of balls to make another one but with people like the ones who made the show, that would be far from impossible.

I think I should stop myself from this show fever and get back to reality. It may not be as good as in the show, but reality is reality. I'm just lucky I had a twist of fantasy, because the show was my fantasy came alive. But as what they said, no matter how great your fantasies and dreams are, you always have to wake up from your untold reality.

TLW rocks my world!

Out and Proud!

My Night Escapade

It was a rainy dusk when boredom struck me at my weakest moment. I grabbed my phone and text-ed my best buddy ever. I invited him for a movie-watch and surprisingly, he agreed. Why a surprise? Because he just arrived home from a tiresome duty.

We watched the Shutter Island. It was a mind bugging movie. Full of twists and turns. You think you already predicted the movie's plot on the first half but you're definitely wrong. If you're scared enough, it would be better not to watch it alone or else, you'll cry your heart out! But after all, it was just a damn freaking movie. But I guess the movie really struck my buddy. It has a different impact on him, to the point that he shed tears. WTF! So gay! I thought I'll go out from the cinema carrying a psychiatric patient. Damn. I'm not good in therapeutic communication.

Before we had called it a night, we walked to a doughnut shop to hit some cup of coffee and have a li'l chit chat. There's nothing more nice and cozy to have a cup in the middle of the night and having sensible talk with a touch of foolishness with someone whom you can share all your thoughts about everything, even the dirtiest ones, without having that awkward feeling. I am so grateful to have someone like that.

It was past midnight when we strolled in the city. Passing every empty streets,witnessing the true beauty of the metropolis. It was spectacular. During the day, its beauty is overpowered by the busy streets, the people, vehicles moving to and fro, but at night, the city lights give life to the town. Just like a refined lady wearing her dazzling jewels that makes her elegant. We saw some activities which was during the day, as if it never existed. There's more to life at night.

As we walked, dreams and aspirations were built. Though it may sound unrealistic but we've learned that night that nothing is impossible with a heart that's brave. We choose the road less traveled. For in this road, possibilities are rich, hand in hand with the life's risks.

Our instinct told us that it would be safe for us if we could be in a place than in an open street. We were not that scarred that something may happen but for some unselfish reason, we opted to settle in a cafe. We surfed the net, chatted some of our nocturnal friends and we also had an opportunity to reconnect with our friends overseas whose in a 16 hr.-delay time zone. The fun thing is that, we had a sneak peak of some sites and videos which are not allowed to be viewed during the daylight. Quit fun!

After several hours of battling against the monitor, our stomach protested. We then, searched for a place to eat. We found the best place who serves a mouth watering lomi in town. The soap awakens our groggy soul. While devouring our food, an idea rose to my fickle mind, "Why don't we chase a sunrise?" Stupid eh?

Plan A: We'll go somewhere preferably Cdo.direction where we can witness the sunrise. Then have our breakfast at a seafood restaurant beside the beach.

Plan B: If it's still early for the sunrise or if the weather is not cooperating with us, we'll go towards Cdo.,check in to some cheap motel, have a good sleep then go malling all day.

Plan C: Head towards the shore near the vicinity of our city and watch as the magnificent sun rises.

None of our plans worked out. The weather was not good. It was impossible for us to see a perfect sunrise. Even if we'll go to the next 2 cities, it will be a waste of time,money and effort. We were already exhausted to perform a dumb act. My pal is almost 24 hrs.awake.

So, dis hearted me, we decided to end up our journey. My buddy walked me home. We had already walked 10 miles by foot. "Alay Lakad". As we trekked, we took some pictures of us taken in a different angle so that it wouldn't look like we are still in the city's premise. We did it on purpose. It will served as a proof that we had a very strange "trip",' coz we were so fucking high.

As we ambled towards my loft, we noticed that Mr. Sun is trying to shine his rays against the thick clouds. Too bad, we walk in an opposite direction. Instead of chasing sunrise, we actually walk away from it. "Sorry if we unintentionally turned our back on you Mr. Sun".

It was one heck of an adventure. A journey that can hardly be forgotten. It may look like stupid but it was worth the hike. The people, the scenes, the foods, the stuffs, the experience.....it was damn great! We are so lucky that we've been given a chance to savors God's gift. It was quit a trip.

A bunch of thanks to you! (A soul whom I have deep affinity with)

A Journey to the Past

-Things I Did During My Childhood Years-

1. I munch the tip metal part of my pencil so that the eraser would come out.

2. I make the chocolate milk powder (Milo) as my viand. (Yummy!)

3. I sing songs in front of an electric fan as if I'm in a recording studio.

4. I was curios if the light bulb inside the fridge will really turn off when you close the fridge's door.

5. I tried to taste the nectar of the Santan plant. (Surprisingly sweet)

6. I write my name using only my finger in a dusty car. (Dirty autograph)

7. I eat toothpaste like a creamy snack. (Love the minty flavor)

8. When I'm bored during class, i chomped the tip part of my(Apache) ball pen. ( I really love doing that.)

9. I did sing,dance,act and some modelling in front of the mirror...alone! (A star in the making)

10. I tried to taste the ice being formed in the refrigerator. (Cold but eewww..)

11. I make the Mansanitas fruit as a snack. (Mansanitas is a tree that bears fruit for the birds)

12. I write the name of my crush all over my notebook. Even on the road! (Crap!)

13. I keep on swallowing a Santol seed eventhough my mom keeps on telling me not to do that 'coz I might choke with it and cause a major medical problem. (Can't help it)

14. I tried to ignore my urge to defecate just not to miss a single scene on my favorite cartoon show.

15. I tried to pee standing like the boys do and end up wetting my pants. (My mom hate that.)

16. I don't bathe or even brush my teeth if there's no class. (I know...it's gross)

17. I only knew 4 grand events/seasons in a year: My birthday, Christmas, New year and summer break.

18. I never dare to miss any episodes of my favorite shows: Blink, Akazukin Cha2x, Cinderella, Snowhite, 3 Musketers, Remy, Power rangers, BT-X, Dragon Ball Z, Ghost fighter, Fushige Yugi, The Adventures of Hawk Fin and Tom Sawyer, Heide and Charlotte. Those were few to mention. (Miss it so much)

These were the things I did when I was a child. There are still a lot needs to be mention but I just named a few memorable ones. It may sound like I was a fool and a weirdo but those crazy stuffs that I couldn't believe that I did made me who I am now. Those childish games, curiosities and insanities serve as my foundation to become a better me. I can say that I'm lucky enough to experience those things. Other children might have exchange their lives just to have those. But of course, like any other ordinary kids, I also have some bad memories need not to be forget but to reflect on. And if someday, someone will ask me about my childhood years, I would probably say that, " I may not have a perfect childhood yet I had the best. I cried, laughed, learned, loved, hated and especially, I had the opportunity and right that every child should possessed and that is, I played with the world." That was one heck of an adventure! =)

Always Them

All this time, I always think about them. Full of "what if's". One "what if" that I could't stand thinking is that, "What if they're gone? Would I be able to survive in this game?" I guess at that moment, I still could not.. Having nothing is worth dying. But I'm still hoping that things would get better for me someday. I guess that is the only thing that I've been doing all this time. I don't know why I couldn't take step. I'm having this cold feet to face the world. I couldn't even lift one responsibility because of this shitty pride that lingers within me. But that's the only thing I've got.

(Sigh) Couldn't wait to see myself saying, "This is life!" But before I blabber that line, I guess I deserve to see myself crawling under the death wires of the world, as the dreadful spikes create eternity marks on my flesh with blood gushing out to those open wounds making my body wanting for more pain. And in the end, all I could utter is, "Everything is worth the fun!" >3

Unexpected Trait

I could hardly remember our memories shared together during my childhood days. Not even a single chat with him. I guess he was the most aloof and odd amongst the 3 of them. I couldn't blame him at all. Being away with the flock for a long time with minimal or no communication at all justifies the lose of connection. Even so, no hard feelings were being hailed against him, It's just a plain judgement of his personality, in which I think, is more worser.

Every time a news breaks in the open about their unit and disseminated through the fastest route the world has ever known, (rumor), none of his name is being mentioned. If there is, just a product out of respect or just to complete the sequence. Just like counting 1 to 3. You can't just jump to number 3 without passing number 2, right? Again, no grudge is being hold against him. Just a plain prejudice.

But all these issues where being washed away by just one single trait,an unexpected trait by him, showed in an unexpected way....a visit. I guess, It was a better way of showing how stupid we are to conclude the type and character of the seed without bothering to open and taste the fruit. Shame on us indeed.

7 hours of bonding with him was quite enough to fill in the black hole constructed for several years of guessing of who he really was. What we saw was pretty stunning. He leaves a huge awe to our system, particularly to our heart. For now, few of some adjectives I've known weren't enough to describe him. But for unreasonable purposes, here are some.. "He is cool, nice, decent, polite, down to earth, generous and caring. Sometimes, he can't ride on to our "jokes" but we can't put our fingers on him. It's already expected to any normal beings to be baffled by our stupid way of thinking and executing the acts of what we titled as" joke". He is and forever will be the best among the 3, It may sound bias but that's for real."

Wanna know why I praised him this much? It's just because, he was only here for 2 days yet he was able to touch our hearts and changed our outlooks towards him. The "others" may have forever to stay here but wasn't able to take just a glimpse about the lives of the ones being left. Sad....but I guess, it only justifies the fact that whatever nice you see are not always good for you at all. And with regards to our experience with him...It only proves that, judging the book by his cover is not a cool thing to do.

I'm ending this dumb essay thing but this doesn't mean that my adoration for him will stop here. I will be forever grateful to him for reminding me again that I am not here just for me to exist but I'm here for others.

" Thanks for the coolest joyride ever! And for showing us that velocity is not about the engine. It's about your guts to go for higher speed. " =)

Wind Beneath My Broken Wings

If there's one person in the world who never stop believing in me and in my almost impossible dreams, that would be my "tante". I just don't know but every time she throws up encouraging words. it fuels up my determination to achieve my goals in life. I know that most of the time, I get disappointed with the world and with my self, but with her supporting words in a form of a joke, it enlightens the darkness within me.

Before, I was so stupid thinking of hiving up my dreams, for I thought that I had already everything that I basically need, a stable life and a loving family. I thought that with or without me, my family can stand alone. I have nothing more to dream of. All I wanted was just a simple and happy life, that when I see myself inside my coffin,I am smiling. But how can I smile when I see people around me suffering just because of unjust neediness, where in fact, deep in my heart, I know I have the potential to help them? It tears mt heart to know that this potentiality of mine is being disputed by my own weaknesses. And I am aware of it, yet I do nothing. Damn! Fucking me!

If only I could detach myself. Make another new me,start all over again. I would really do it. But I can't. It's just can't.

I wish I've recorded all the things she said,so that whenever I get down, I could use it to cheer me up again. But I guess, I've already did. I've recorded it not in any high tech.recorder but in a thing where I can play it anytime over and over again without getting it damaged. The place called, heart.As long as her memory. encouragement and smiles remains in that secret special place of mine, I know that my(our) dreams is just an inch away. Thanks! ;-)

Am I halfway there?

Bored-to death

I am so bored with my life right now. I don't even know where and how to start. I'm like a bomb waiting for its explosion. I guess a big bang is what I need to break this life into pieces and start all over again. I am bored to death. Even death can't end this tedium.I have no idea why I ended up like this. I have so many expectations in my life, yet none of them happens. I think it's what other people say...,fate.

Before, I believe that we are the ones who make our own destiny, but then I realized that whatever happen to us today is just a mere product of unfortunate events. as what the saying goes."Live life like you mean it". Damn! As if it's simple.

I wanted to cry. To shout on top of my lungs. To rage on anger...,yet I can't. I hate myself for loving myself and I love myself for hating myself too much.

I hate this state. I just lost the feeling that I felt 3 seconds ago. I fucking hate this! Why can't the world stop for just half a second for me? Why can't I force myself to stop breathing? Everything is worthless. So dull,so dark...,I'm lost in ténèbres.

I tried to seek You. Swear, I did. But why can't I see even the shade of your light? Am I really that unworthy?

Why can't I tighten up the tie between us? Is there really a tie? I tried to have one. And now,again...I'm point less.

I wanted to cry all these things out,yet it wasn't enough. I can't cry hard enough no more.

Please..can somebody help me? I'm slowly losing myself. I am begging to death. Please..lift my heart from the ground,save my soul from dirt.